Find Love After 40

with Renée Suzanne

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41. Are you part of his texting harem?

October 25, 20233 min read


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Some guys go on dating sites and apps and message all the women just see who will respond to them. Then they send messages on and on. Maybe you even exchange numbers hoping for a real connection, but all he does is text.

And text and text and text.

Maybe he checks in every few days, every day or even a few times a day.

Or maybe he does that maddening thing where just when you get used to hearing from him regularly he vanishes.

And he might resurface a few days or weeks later.

Or not.

Texting is a very low effort low stakes way to stay in touch. It’s a terrible way to get to know someone and build a real connection.

Some men text several women at once just to keep them warm because they don’t have the time or money to date them all but they want options (or to feel like they have options).

Some men just enjoy texting a bunch of women because it makes them feel desirable. Hey, they’re only human. You like feeling desirable too.

Some of the men who do this have wives or girlfriends who may or may not know about this.

The takeaway here is that texting essentially means nothing and I don’t want you to spend a whole lot of time or emotion on it.

If you want to avoid being part of a man’s texting harem, I suggest inviting him to call you when you give him your phone number.

If he ignores your request and texts you, respond that you’re not big on texting, but you’d love to chat on the phone and hear his voice.

Then he either calls or he doesn’t.

If he calls, hopefully you’ll have a nice chat and he’ll ask you on a date.

If he doesn’t, simply move on.

There are several reasons men will not want to call you. Here are a few:

He’s married/has a girlfriend and he doesn’t want her to hear him.This guy might actually call you but only at odd hours or during the day when he’s supposed to be working.

He’s busy dating and/or calling other women and getting to know you is not a priority.

He’s busy with whatever else he’s doing and getting to know you is not a priority.

He’s a catfisher/scammer.

He’s simply not interested in you.

Waiting him out or texting him endlessly does not change any of these things, it just wastes your time.

I don’t recommend dating a man who won’t pick up the phone, call you and ask you on a date. It doesn’t take months of texting for a man to figure out if he is interested in pursuing you, in fact, most relationship-minded men will want to meet you as soon as their schedule permits.

Some will even want to rush from messaging on the app or texting straight to a date, but I always suggest replacing that first meeting with a phone call. I cover this in much more detail in Episode 8 and Episode 30, so check that out if you’d like to know more.

In closing, if you don’t want to be part of a man’s texting harem, cut to the chase and get him calling you and asking you out. Once you start dating you can find out pretty quickly if he’s seeing/texting other women and drop him if he’s not interested in an exclusive relationship and you are.

If you’re ready to get out there and date, you’ll need an amazing profile.

Click here to grab my free guide to help you write one.

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